A word of warning that this issue contains strong language.
Two deaths to report this week. The first is that of Al Jarreau, he had a #8 with the Moonlighting theme. The second is Damian, who was familiar to this columnist but not to this column through his #7 cover version of The Time Warp from the Rocky Horror Show. What we didn't know, however, is he also went to #49 with a cover version of The Sweet's #4 hit Wig Wam Bam, also taken to #63 by Black Lace as their first chart entry featuring Dene Michael, who you may have seen on TV last year on Judge Rinder, the Walkers TV ad or being mocked on Have I Got News For You after being nicked for benefit fraud.
All Time Low's Dirty Laundry is a laidback, lecherous piece with teenage angst abound and a gorgeous guitar solo to boot. If I had one complaint, I don't like the empty instrumental bits after the chorus but overall this isn't bad, and I reckon this could chart.
I don't have to listen to Anna Pancaldi's Brother twice to know what I think about it. It's a rather cheap and nasty sounding piece, the sort a failing school might desperately sling at the top of the bill of a show, missing-person-on-a-milk-bottle personified. Ghastly stuff.
Now Foreigners by Astroid Boy and Sonny Double 1 is a record I do like. Sparse but splenetic synths provide the perfect percussion for both artists' diatribes and vitriolic verse; think a trenchant German Whip. More please.
Anyone got a translator? I can't make head nor tails of what Bugzy Malone's saying in his new record Aggy Wid It, released 16 February 2017. Ah well, doesn't matter. The problem with this record is that it feels relatively tame compared to Stormzy's recent one-two punch, and it actually feels like there's something missing from it which I can't quite put a finger on.
Aaargh! It is my unfortunate task to report that for his new release Love Incredible, Cashmere Cat has reverted to Wild Love (issue 9) mode and produced an abominable assortment of aggravating sound effects which stretch Camila Cabello's figures like a creative accountant. Not that I could have taken her seriously anyway, this is a woman who claims she left Fifth Harmony because she was uncomfortable being sexualised yet produces records where she claims "I only want to do bad things to you"…
Well, this is unusual. Creeper released Black Rain on the 15th, and cut a bit out for the single version on Spotify. The bit they removed was a female spoken word section at the start which, hmm. As an ASMR-addled adolescent, I wouldn't mind a whole album of it (you can tell I went single on Valentine's Day). As a reviewer, they were right to remove it, for it makes the rest of it seem unnecessarily harsh, and it feels like two ends put against the middle. Still, there is promise here.
Disciples' new release is On My Mind, and I do wish it would get off my mind, because it's as annoying as anything. There's a nasty, nasty tired feel to it and the more I listen to it the more I want to tear my hair out in frustration and ennui. Judas got Jesus crucified but this is worse.
Well! For those who have been waiting for a record with DJ Khaled, Beyoncé Jay Z and Dionne Warwick on it, now you can die in peace, because all their voices can be heard on Shining, released 13th February 2017; DJ Khaled provides signatory screams (We the Best et al), Beyoncé and Jay Z provide panegyrical poetry on their verse, and Dionne Warwick appears courtesy of a sample from Osunlade's Dionne, which in turn samples Dionne Warwick's Walk The Way You Talk. (Sampling a piece of music and naming the creation after the musician sampled – I wonder where he could have got that idea from?) It is a gorgeous beat indeed, and it might well have evoked private moments between the couple were it not for Khaled's and Warwick's interjections that feel like a Mum and Dad who won't let you fawn in peace. (You can tell why they might be interested, she is pregnant with twins after all, but this column would rather review pomp than circumstance.)
Ed Sheeran's How Would You Feel (Paean) is an unusual release. Chiefly because, according to Sheeran, it is not the next single but a 26th birthday present from his label in that they're releasing one of his "favzzzzz", whatever that means. This raised a few eyebrows at Launchballer's Lair, because according to Spotify it was released 16 February 2017, and Sheeran was born on the 17th. As for the track? An almost five minute long, gorgeously soft, flattering display of affection, where the only interesting bit is an enervatingly short guitar solo and where there's enough sugar that you could scrape it off with a knife. Ed Sheeran's never released anything like that before, has he? (Or is our mind Thinking Out Loud?)
Not to be confused with the contestant on the most recent series of Big Brother, the Norwegian singer Emma Jensen's début release is Closer, and frankly I've never been so bored stiff in my life. The 'oh's in the record are sung with the enthusiasm of a depressed sloth, whilst her attempts at whisper-singing are about as sensual as a trip to the toilet. Not to mention the fact that the way the instrumental is performed you could be forgiven for thinking it's running out of battery power. Give over.
Your career is in decline. You haven't had a record enter the chart in nearly a year. One of the people you featured on one of your hits has recently gone top twenty with a release of his own. What are you going to do? You're going to invite him back, aren't you? Behold the fruits of Flo Rida and Sage the Gemini's labour, Game Time. I highly doubt this will whet the chart's whistle (see what I did there?), not just because of the whoopee cushion drop, but also because Sage's repeated verse just makes him sound as though he'd rather be rapping on something else.
Flume's released the follow-up to Skin Complexion EP, which he released 25th November 2016. It's a real eclectic collection of tracks; Enough, featuring Pusha T, is sardonic sludge with more contempt than Trump was greeted with when he addressed Black Lives Matter, while Weekend, if it were extended and Moses Sumney's rap contribution banished to the surgical waste bin, has all the makings of a great long instrumental. It's quite irritating to discover on the next track that Flume knows how to make a decent instrumental, because he has in fact done it on Depth Charge, which aside from a few vocal dabs here and there, is highly enjoyable. The 8-bit cry about three and a half minutes in is the single greatest instrumental drop this column has ever reviewed; unfortunately, the problem with the next record, Fantastic with Dave Bayley of Glass Animals, is that it thinks it's fantastic. I mean, it's not a bad record by any standards – I thoroughly enjoyed the undulating sound effects on it – but let me tell you that that is one annoying fade-out. Overall though, this isn't too bad; give me some more.
Not to be confused with stater of the bleeding obvious Fyfe Dangerfield, this particular Fyfe came out with Love You More on the 14th. Nope, can't think why. I must profess to finding its hamfisted hoarseness quite charming. There's a real sense of hurry about it not unlike that which you'd hear in a Meek Mill record. More please.
Of course, there's a fine line between hamfisted charm and unhinging impatience. In this respect, Galantis' Rich Boy – released 16th February 2017 – is the antithesis of Love You More in that it steams into a chorus and dancehall drop as soon as it can. Of course, this is not necessarily a bad thing – many skin and bone records do very well on the charts, and for some reason I don't quite understand even better on the catwalk – but here it feels lazy. Not to mention the fact that the vocoded third verse complements the vocals like orange juice and milk, and the fact that there's a nasty chasm in the middle of the record where it almost has to take a breath, and frankly this isn't one of their best, not by a long shot.
I like Incubus' Nimble Bastard. (But enough about my girlfriend Incubus, who doesn't know who fathered her child.) It's probably about as heavy as it could get without detracting from the quality of music, and it pays off handsomely. I look forward to hearing more.
You wait ages to hear from a James and then three turn up in quick succession: James Blunt on the 14th, and James Hersey and James TW this week. Blunt's Time Of Our Lives is an effortlessly cool sounding acoustic track on which Blunt sounds entirely at home; Hersey's Everyone's Talking is also acoustic, but it has a definite thump to it, so I think it's more interesting. TW (Taylor-Watts)' Ex, on the other hand, trumps the pair, because it's bouncy yet soulful, and I say it's got the best chance of the three of charting.
Jennifer Paige is back with The Devil's in the Details, and there's enough fuzz on it to make the 70's-era Isley Brothers feel exposed. In addition, the autotuned stuff at the end grates, and it's so slow and goes on for so long it's impossible to properly enjoy it.
John Legend, Cynthia Erivo & yMusic covered the Beach Boys' God Only Knows for a performance on the In Memoriam segment of the Grammy awards, and released it for streaming on the 13th. The original is the Beach Boys' God Only Knows magnum opus, tows the line perfectly between contentment and desperation over sweeping arrangements and is generally considered one of the best songs ever recorded; we actually prefer the BBC Music version released in late 2014 for Children in Need, because it puts a smile on our face that Elton John, Brian Wilson, Stevie Wonder, Jools Holland, Brian May and Chrissie Hynde – all of whom spent some part of the 1970s in the top 20 – could all replicate that feat 35 years later. Another cover by Diesel Park West charted, but it's a near-straight cover and it has the feel of a band who have been told they need one last track for their album and can't be bothered enough that they even try to fade it out really early (the whole fade out's about fifty seconds long).
John Legend and Cynthia Erivo's effort is another thing altogether. It's fine to slow stuff down for tributes – last week Adele out-Adeled herself in her tribute to George Michael, and for that purpose, that was fine. That said, this is a single, and this falls flat on its face even compared to Diesel Park West's version because it's just so slow and pulseless; given the fact that according to Popdose, "to place 'God Only Knows' in its proper context is to compare it not just to 1966 Paul McCartney, but 1836 Frederic Chopin" combined with the fact that the instrumentation is provided by yMusic, who claim to shape the future of classical music, that they've stuffed this up quite so badly is kind of incredible. It's like mixing orange juice and milk; truly, truly nasty indeed.
Well, this isn't a combination I was expecting to see any time soon. Kygo's recruited Selena Gomez for his new single It Ain't Me, a boisterous broadside against booze ruining a relationship complete with a sardonic singalong chorus. Gomez's husky vocals are the perfect fit for Kygo's tropics.
Love by Lana Del Rey got trotted out late on the evening of the 18th, having been leaked on Friday. I'll be honest and say I'm not a fan of her work much – too dark for me – but by her standards, this isn't bad. It's no Summertime Sadness, but it's not bad. We'll have to see how this does.
Yeesh! Linkin Park were back with Heavy, with a verse from Kiiara, on the 16th. And actually, in my day, Heavy used to be the perfect description of their sound. Whereas other rock acts of that era – Metallica, Green Day and Kings of Leon – have kept to the sound they're known for, Linkin Park have mellowed considerably, and it's like listening to your grandfather trying to sing Justin Bieber. Steer well clear.
One of my pet hates is music clips which don't carry on right until the end of the clip, when you can actually hear it click off before it's finished. I expect this sort of behaviour off YouTube clips, because I accept that not everybody listens to music in silence like I do or has hearing as acute as mine. What I don't expect, however, is that sort of behaviour off a single release, because it means either the sound engineer can't be bothered to put a fade-out on it or they're going deaf. Greyhounds by De La Soul & Usher (issue 8) got away without too much of a diatribe, purely because I liked the record (and I knew the album was coming out the week after). Little Cub's Too Much Love was released on the 13th, and not only would I have to wait until April 28th for its album, but here we have slovenly guitar riffs and strangling synthesisers that attempt some kind of momentum, but the flat verses keep killing it. Not interested.
Hmm, I like this. Little Dragon's High, released on the 14th, is a gorgeously soft track with delightful, flittering synthesisers like butterflies acting as a layer of grass over which the vocals flower like roses. It's a delightful track indeed. More please.
Maroon 5 released Cold on the 14th as the follow up to Don't Wanna Know, and just because the track's called Cold, doesn't mean to say it has to sound cold; the beat, with the exception of the chorus, is ghostly, and doesn't quite match the nonchalance of its predecessor. Future adds next to nothing to the record. No thank you.
Now this I like. Mary J. Blige's new record, U + Me (Love Lesson), is the perfect way to capture the struggles of a divorce in a slice of neo-soul, from the relaxing synthesisers throughout to resurfacing at the end long after you think you're done with it. This is everything Mariah Carey tried to be two weeks ago.
A Yank talking about this reviewer's hometown of London. Needless to say I approached Maty Noyes' new release with some trepidation – and I was right to do so but for the wrong reason, since it's really jarring. The song attempts funk, and tries to sound like a more grandiose version of Jamiroquai. However, Noyes' slow vocals are an ill fit, and the whole thing grinds along like a fat kid at a school sports' day. Garbage.
Mr. Probz's new single Till You're Loved is an enjoyable record; his husky vocal is the perfect fit for the bouncy, guitar-laden record. But grrr! Why did he truncate it to just two verses and two choruses? I feel like I'm being robbed!
Let me begin this review by saying that if you do not enjoy diss tracks, this record is not for you. If you do not enjoy execrable imagery of what The Weeknd likes to get up to with Justin Bieber's ex Selena Gomez, this record equally is not for you. Thirdly, if you enjoy quality pieces of music then stay the hell away because Nav's new record Some Way ft. The Weeknd released 15th February is a stream-of-conscious diss aimed at Justin Bieber, upon a beat clearly strung together as something quick and easy they could stick some slander on top of in a hurry, and it's as puerile as modern music gets.
Nelly Furtado's released a record called Flatline this week. While I am not averse to use of weird and wonderful instrumentation, a heart monitor I find doesn't really add anything to the record. I also detest the ending, which sounds like it was truncated early. I do however like the percussion in the record, as it sounds like it was recorded on an actual drum kit (unlike most records nowadays…) and Furtado is as reliable as ever at her end. Still not bad.
New Found Glory's Happy Being Miserable, which is just as well given how poorly they've performed on the charts in recent years. Happy Being Miserable was also a single release of theirs on the 16th, and we find it a bit cheap and nasty. That synth line sounds like it doesn't belong there, plus that is one pathetic guitar solo. Not for me thank you.
You can't say this column doesn't review all sorts. If you always wanted to know what Danes doing Middle Eastern music sounded like, then look no further than Off Bloom's Falcon Eye, a delectation of danceable beats and buzzing instrumentation. It's nice to hear something different, I must say.
Now this interesting. Olivia O'Brien's come out with Empty this week, and it is a delightful piece of storytelling over a suitably sparse beat. Although we aren't a fan of the instrumental gaps in the record, this is still a vast improvement over i hate u, i love u in this reviewer's opinion, and we look forward to hearing more.
The Light is OUTLYA's début single, and it's a stratospheric piece with laboured keys and wavy guitars and pizzicato drums; think Violet Hill by Coldplay if it was recorded by The Rolling Stones. We aren't sold on the strings at the end, but as a début release, this is hugely promising, and I look forward to subsequent releases.
Human Nature is the new single from Paperwhite; they're a brother-sister duo, which unfortunately conjures unpleasant imagery from XYLØ's various releases, as they're also brother and sister. Thankfully, Paperwhite's Human Nature is a track with well-placed fiery vocal samples and space-like, almost galactic synths over the chorus; with the right amount of promotion, Paperwhite could be big.
I am amazed that Stephen Marley had never charted outside of Ziggy Marley and the Melody Makers. Eve's No, No, No, on which his brother Damian Marley also features, is an excellent cover of the Dawn Penn original and could easily hold its own against Who's That Girl and Let Me Blow Ya Mind from the same album (which I actually own a copy of). But I digress.
Pitbull's released Options this week with Stephen Marley, and it's an acoustic track and a chorus not dissimilar in meter to Ignition Remix by R. Kelly. Trap beats top off the record. My only quibble is that Stephen Marley's verse is at the beginning, and as such it sticks out about as much as crimson wallpaper on a lilac wall. It would have been better placed just before the final chorus. Overall, though, not bad.
Incidentally, we were asked why we insist on copying headers from previous issues rather than porting them into a CSS file. There is a simple reason for this; while we're there, we can check for anything awry in the HTML. For example, when we copied the header for Pitbull, we noticed that the dollar sign in Ke$ha's name was typed as a dollar rather than as a HTML entity; we regret the error. We hope Dr. Luke chooses to follow our example. (Sorry, couldn't resist…)
Pumarosa released Dragonfly on the 16th, and one of the first things that strikes me about it is how evocative of the Alan Parsons Project's Eye in the Sky as sampled by Lady Antebellum's Need You Now the song's guitar riff gets. This is never a particularly bad thing – after a minute and a third of, well, not very much at all really you are starting to seek something more interesting – and as a whole this is an enjoyable record with enough in it to attract your attention without demanding it.
Rhys has released Last Dance this week, and it's a dichotomous production with semi-tropical beats and melancholy lyrics. You have to wonder what cowboy chose to stick the two together until you discover that this is the same man who co-wrote the winners' singles for the first series of Pop Idol and American Idol; Jörgen Elofsson. Even the best divest.
You can't say this column doesn't review all sorts. RITUAL's Exit is a short, sparse track containing nothing but acapella vocals, including those of new member Mononoke (now the only girl in the band). As a statement of the bleeding obvious the song makes its point well; as a song, it's woeful. Let's hope for something proper next time round.
Eeeh. Rothwell's Lucky Blue is an irritating record; her powerful vocals make for convincing listening, but the song – and especially the chorus – on it is so slow it's painful. With the right song, Rothwell could become a permanent fixture on the singles chart, but this isn't it. Try The X Factor.
Fall Asleep is Ruby Francis' début solo single, though she did feature on Shift K3y's Laughing at You, which we reckon is at least three years old. It's a dreamy track with Francis' wistful vocals the perfect fit for these choppy synths. I wonder if her and Aluna Francis of AlunaGeorge are related?
Still Frames is Sarah Walk's new record, and put simply, it's beautiful. There are no other words for it, it's a beautiful piano-based paean to prior relationships with the odd string adding a mournful melancholy to proceedings. Truly, truly beautiful.
This is the sixth time in a row I've performed a search for both the song and artist chart history and both have come back with zero relevant results. Is it just me or are The Official Charts Company playing an early April Fools prank on me or something? Anyway, this particular Sonny released Princess on the 14th – good luck finding any more than that from Google – and it's a sickly sweet sounding track which berates a former lover for being spoilt. Think Stevie Wonder plus half a pound of treacle.
Ah, it's been a long time since I reviewed anything like this. Strange Ways is Speech Debelle's new single, and I haven't reviewed a single release with multiple versions of the same thing on it since issue 14's Would I Lie To You Baby by David Guetta, Cedric Gervais and Chris Willis. Anyway, the original is a light, fluffy piece of music helped by Debelle's stream-of-conscious flow, and it's an easy listen. The DVA remix is enjoyable for a different reason; with no discernible verses or choruses, it's essentially a six minute instrumental with Debelle's singing used to punctuate lines and I like it. The instrumental is the instrumental to the original, and even without the singing it's still quite listenable.
Oh, make your mind up! You're either a member of Take That or you're not. Anyway, Giants is the new single from Take That, and they promoted it by original member Robbie Williams rejoining the band for a performance on Gary Barlow's show Let it Shine. If they were gunning for a proper reunion they'd have got Jason Orange in as well. Anyway, their new single is as stadium-ready as anything they'd ever released, only a little more repetitive; the word Giants appears twenty six times throughout the song, and it gets boring after a while. Still, I can't see this flopping, can you?
The Amazons released Black Magic on the 14th, and it's a rich, pungent track with ringing riffs and menacing percussion. The vocals, while a little rugged, do complement the rage behind the track quite well, though we don't like the ending much as it feels like microphone hogging.
You have to question the mentality of a band who decide to name themselves after a method of contraception involving having sex while a woman's menstruating. I do hope my girlfriend doesn't decide to have a rummage through my search history any time soon. (I also hope to actually have a girlfriend at some points…) In any event, The Rhythm Nation's Cruel – also released on the 14th – is, despite its fairly basic chords, quite a pleasant record to listen to with a jubilant juxtaposition between Zoee's sickly sweet, almost infantile vocals and the Rhythm Method's rough spoken words going up against a reggae-lite background. I think it's a brilliant record. Good luck to it.
Mmm, I like this. Thundercat released Friend Zone in time for Valentine's Day, and it's easy to miss the sheer bile of the lyrics because they're buried beneath a sea of overarching synthesisers and funky percussive beats; we do however with there was a third verse because it feels too short. Not every song has to be around the three minute mark.
It feels like ages since I've reviewed anything by someone I've heard of. Anyway, Tinie Tempah released Something Special, a freestyle, on the 13th, and it's one of them records you can listen to over and over again without getting too bored of it; think a higher quality half of Big For Your Boots.
Mmm. It's always interesting to see what singer-songwriters come out with when they're not shackled by virtue of being 'featured', and from the passive aggression of Chase & Status' All Goes Wrong on which he features, Tom Grennan's come out with Praying, and it's a radical departure indeed all the way to simple acoustics and a few drums. Not bad actually.
Gawd, awful! Vanessa White released Good Good on Valentine's Day, and it compiles a slow, humid beat and pugnacious percussion with some lazily repetitive, at times almost sexually explicit (not to mention dichotomous) lyrics. What's the use of putting "I ain't got the patience for you to move slow" in one verse and "We could take time, go slowly" in the same record? Who wrote this song?
Hmm. Willie J Healey this week re-recorded Greys from his 2015 EP HD Malibu. The original's fairly serviceable anyway, an acoustic romp that wouldn't have sounded ahead of its time during the mid seventies, while the new version is more raucous, more belligerent, more angry, and it's well worth a listen.
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